STATION V3 - SHUTTLE RECERTIFICATION
EMMIT, a human
MR. MAINTENANCE ENGINEER, a green humanoid alien with no nose
FLOYD, a robot
UNIT 6, another robot
An INSTRUCTOR
Various STUDENTS, some human, some alien, some robotic
AMBIENCE: FUTURISTIC SPACE STATION. SOFT BACKGROUND HUM, OCCASIONAL BEEPS AND BUZZES.
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Let's see... Station status normal... Life support systems functioning...
Fuel levels acceptable... Tripe loaf for dinner in the cafeteria tonight...
SOUND EFFECT: EMAIL CHIME
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Emmit! Message for you. The Station Authority wants you to go for
shuttle pilot recertification.
Emmit: What for? Do they think I've suddenly forgotten how to fly?
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Are there any violations on your license?
Emmit: That's beside the point!
Mr. Maint. Engineer: I think this is just routine stuff.
Floyd: What's routine stuff?
Emmit: The Station Authority is making me go for pilot recertification.
Floyd: After what happened to the passengers on your last flight, I'm not surprised.
Emmit: According to the official report, I had nothing to do with that.
Floyd: I know. I had to write that report.
(Pause)
Floyd: So who's going to be our pilot while you're off learning how to fly?
Mr. Maint. Engineer: There's a shuttle on its way here now to drop off a replacement pilot and take
Emmit to and from the flight school.
Floyd: That's good! So we won't have to worry about how he's getting back when
he fails.
Emmit: 'When?'
Floyd: If.
Emmit: Thanks.
SOUND EFFECT: A THUMP AND CLICK AS A SHUTTLE DOCKS.
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Here's the shuttle now!
Unit 6: Hello!
Floyd: Unit 6! They sent you back here to fill in as pilot?
Unit 6: Yes, it seems I always get assigned here.
Floyd: Is it because you're so familiar with our station?
Unit 6: Could be! It's either that or I managed to really annoy someone
at Station Authority command.
Emmit: Did you have to go for pilot recertification too?
Unit 6: I went last year. It wasn't so bad. The instructors really knew their stuff.
Emmit: Well, that's good.
Unit 6: Past tense. There was an unfortunate incident with an oscillating fan and
a slime fungus, and they all got replaced with whoever's there now.
Emmit: Fantastic.
Mr. Maint. Engineer: The shuttle's signalling they're ready to leave. You've got five minutes to go
get packed.
Floyd: See you when you get back! Enjoy the flight. Maybe you'll enjoy being a
passenger for a change.
Unit 6: Sure! Unless, of course, you wind up sitting next to that alien who snores, or needs to ooze over onto your seat, or thinks the shuttle's really on its way to the prison colony, and that now is the time to escape...
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Now you've got four minutes to go get packed.
SOUND EFFECT: SHUTTLE LEAVING THE STATION.
Floyd: Put an ad in the paper for a new pilot.
SOUND EFFECT: SPACE WARP.
SOUND EFFECT: SHUTTLE LANDING.
Loudspeaker: Shuttle School Beta welcomes all new students. If you're here for recertification,
please proceed upstairs to the advanced class immediately. Your luggage will be
brought to the common area for you to sort out later.
Instructor: Welcome to shuttle pilot recertification! My name is Coach Melvin. Take a seat and we'll get things started.
SOUND EFFECT: SHUFFLING AROUND, MOVING CHAIRS, SITTING.
Instructor: Now, you all know the basics, so we're going to go right to the advanced stuff.
You like film strips?
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: Of course you do. This is a shuttle.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: Shuttles fly through space.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: They can dock with space stations.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: They can land on planets.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: Landing is generally preferred to crashing.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: Some of you may find these concepts difficult to grasp at first.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: Let me know if I'm going too fast.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Instructor: You all get that? I'll give you a little time to think it over, and then we're
having a quiz.
SOUND EFFECT: BEEP
Alien student: Quiz! Great! I'm ready.
Emmit: Really?
Alien student: True, false, false, true. B. A. D. C. A. D. D. A. B. Ten seconds. Never.
The shuttle will explode.
Emmit: I'm guessing you've taken this class before...
Alien student: True.
Instructor: Okay, here we go. Everybody ready? Alright.
SOUND EFFECT: PAPERS HANDED OUT
Instructor: Go!
SOUND EFFECT: STOPWATCH TICKING.
Instructor: Pencils down.
Alien student: You never gave us any pencils.
Instructor: You fail! Out. You can collect your luggage from the big pile in the common
area.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
Instructor: Now, let's see you you guys did. Here's Mr. Hyper-Green's quiz.
SOUND EFFECT: PAPER RUSTLING.
Instructor: Hmmm. No. No. Wrong. Wrong. Definitely not. Fail! Out you go.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
Instructor: As for the rest of you, I don't really feel like grading the quizzes, so you
all pass. You're all doing very well so far.
SOUND EFFECT: PUZZLED BUT GENERALLY PLEASED MURMURING
Instructor: Next we have question and answer time. Yes, Miss Warpfield?
Miss Warpfield: Do we ask the questions, or do you?
Instructor: Was that a question?
Miss Warpfield: I guess it was.
Instructor: What do you suppose the answer is?
Miss Warpfield: I fail, get out?
Instructor: Very good! You got it right.
Miss Warpfield: Great!
Instructor: Well, go ahead...
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
Instructor: Now, anyone else have any questions?
SOUND EFFECT: SILENCE
Instructor: ...How about answers?
SOUND EFFECT: MORE SILENCE
Instructor: We just have one thing left... The shuttle simulator test. This will count
for ninety percent of your final grade.
Robot student: What was the other ten percent?
Instructor: You fail! Out.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
Instructor: Now, if you'll all proceed to the back of the room and form a line by
the shuttle simulator...
SOUND EFFECT: CHAIRS MOVING, PEOPLE GETTING UP
Instructor: Very good. Five points right there. Now, you'll all be able to watch
each other's progress on the big screen as we go, so try to learn from each
other's mistakes. Except, of course, for Mr. Glorf, who made the mistake
of being first in line.
2nd alien student: Aw, man!
Instructor: In you go!
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING OPEN AND CLOSED
Instructor: Now, as you can all see, he's taking off... Very good so far... Now, here come
the pirate battle cruisers...
SOUND EFFECT: EXPLOSION
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING OPEN
2nd alien student: Did I pass?
Instructor: Out!
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
Instructor: You all see what he did wrong? Okay, Mr. Elbert, you're up next!
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING CLOSED
Instructor: Now, here we see a fine example of a takeoff... Very nice... Very good...
Here come the pirate battle cruisers... And Mr. Elbert is putting on a space suit.
Getting out of his shuttle. Painting a pirate symbol on the side of his shuttle...
And flying off with them.
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING OPEN
Instructor: Okay, points for originality, but not really what we had in mind.
3rd alien student: Do I pass?
Instructor: Out!
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
Instructor: Mr. Bloorf! Next!
Human student: My name is pronounced 'Blurf.'
Instructor: Out!
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
Instructor: Mr. El... Wed... Vin... Soo... Q X J L apostrophe seven? Next!
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING CLOSED
SOUND EFFECT: EXPLOSION
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING OPEN
Instructor: Out!
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
Instructor: Now, Mr. Capsule... What is this, your fifth time trying to pass? In you go.
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING CLOSED
Instructor: Okay, he's off to a good start. As you can see, he's found the door to get in.
He's sitting in the pilot's seat... So far so good. He's pressed the ignition
button... And now the ejector seat button?
SOUND EFFECT: SPROING
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING OPEN
Instructor: See you back here for your sixth try next month.
Mr. Capsule: You mean I didn't pass?
Instructor: Out!
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
Instructor: Mr... Emmit! You're up.
Emmit: Okay...
SOUND EFFECT: HATCH SLIDING CLOSED
Instructor: There's the takeoff... Not bad... Here comes the pirate fleet... The pirate
flagship has him in a tractor beam... They're bringing him in to their shuttle
bay... The pirate queen is boarding his shuttle... Offering him a flower?
... Okay, that's never happened before.
AMBIENCE: FUTURISTIC SPACE STATION. SOFT BACKGROUND HUM, OCCASIONAL BEEPS AND BUZZES.
SOUND EFFECT: EMAIL CHIME
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Emmit's on his way back from shuttle school.
Floyd: Great! He can help me interview his replacement.
Mr. Maint. Engineer: No, no, he passed!
Floyd: Really! Will wonders never cease?
SOUND EFFECT: A THUMP AND CLICK AS A SHUTTLE DOCKS.
Floyd: Emmit! Welcome back!
Emmit: I passed!
Floyd: I knew you would!
Mr. Maint. Engineer: Tell us all about it!
(pause)
Emmit: Let's just leave it at 'I passed.'
Floyd: That's it?
Emmit: And I'm going to need some new luggage.
END